Episode #73: Reclaiming your pleasure with Surabhi Veitch
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Today, Rhonda welcomes her friend and colleague, Surabhi Veitch! We will talk about Surabhi’s journey through a cultural taboo to having a pleasure-centered life and business. Along the way, Surabhi shares juicy strategies to increase libido, while we start to redefine pleasure - and sex.
Surabhi Veitch (she/her) aka The Passionate Physio is an Orthopaedic & Pelvic Physiotherapist, Fitness Coach & mom of 2 whose passion is helping women and mothers feel strong, confident, and pleasure-full through pregnancy, postpartum and perimenopause.
Surabhi loves helping people maximize pleasure, mobility and strength, while improving symptoms of prolapse, bladder incontinence, constipation and pelvic pain.She offers physiotherapy in Toronto, virtual coaching globally, and an online fitness membership called BASE. BASE provides simple and sustainable online workouts for moms through all stages of life.
Surabhi's philosophy is to respect the whole human in front of her, including a person's culture, social supports, traumas, level of stress, nutrition, sleep, hydration, and lifestyle. In her spare time, Surabhi loves to dance, lift weights, eat delicious vegetarian foods, and spend time with her family.
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LINKS AND RESOURCES MENTIONED IN EPISODE
Check out Surabhi’s Reclaim your Pleasure Workshop
Check out Surabhi’s 28-day Pleasure Prompts Calendar
Listen to Surabhi’s Mom Strength Podcast
PODCAST LINKS & RESOURCES
Check out Rhonda’s FREE Resource Library
Pelvic Health and Fitness Podcast
Book with Dayna (Rebirth Wellness)
SHOW NOTES:
(0:49) - Rhonda welcomes Surabhi to the podcast!
(2:38) - Surabhi shares a little more about herself and what got her into the field of physiotherapy and then pelvic health
(8:00) - What spurred Surabhi’s passion to focus on pleasure?
(11:24) - How has Surabhi’s experience with pleasure been in her culture and throughout her life? And how have people in her life reacted to her being more open about pleasure in her work and life?
(24:20) - The centers of pleasure - and what we are taught vs the truth
(26:58) - If someone is listening and thinks they have low libido, what are some strategies and advice you give to your clients about how to get your libido back?
(38:02) - Redefining pleasure - and sex?
(42:42) - If someone is experiencing pain during penetrative sex, what advice would Surabhi give them?
(46:00) - Surabhi summarizes her tips from today for people who are looking to increase their pleasure
(49:58) - What is one message Surabhi wants to leave our listeners with today?
(51:00) - How can people find and work with Surabhi?
(52:10) - Episode wrap up!
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Episode #73: Reclaiming your pleasure with Surabhi Veitch
We're excited to have you join us for this episode of Pelvic Health and Fitness. I'm Dayna Morellato, Mom, Orthopedic and Pelvic Health Physiotherapist. And I'm Rhonda Chamberlain, Mom, Orthopedic Physiotherapist and Pre Postnatal Fitness Coach. On this show, we have open and honest conversations about all phases of motherhood, including fertility, pregnancy, birth, postpartum, menopause, and everything in between.
We also provide helpful education and information on fitness, the pelvic floor, and many aspects of women's health, including physical, mental, and emotional wellness. Please remember as you listen to this podcast that this is not meant to treat or diagnose any medical conditions. Please contact your medical provider if you have specific questions or concerns.
Thanks so much for joining us. Grab a cup of coffee. Or wine. And enjoy!
Welcome everyone to another episode of the Pelvic Health and Fitness Podcast. Today I am honored to welcome my friend and colleague Surabhi Veech. Surabhi, whose pronouns are she, her, aka the passionate physio, is an orthopedic and pelvic physiotherapist, fitness coach, and mom of two, whose passion is helping women and mothers feel strong, confident, and pleasureful through pregnancy, postpartum, and period menopause.
Surabhi loves helping people maximize pleasure, mobility, and strength while improving symptoms of prolapse, bladder incontinence, constipation, and pelvic pain. She offers physiotherapy in Toronto, virtual coaching globally, and an online fitness membership called BASE. BASE provides simple and sustainable online workouts for moms through all stages of life.
Surabhi's philosophy is to respect the whole human in front of her. including a person's culture, social supports, traumas, level of stress, nutrition, sleep, hydration, and lifestyle. In her spare time, Surabhi loves to dance, lift weights, eat delicious vegetarian foods, and spend time with her family. Thank you so much for being here, Surabhi.
Hey Rhonda, thank you so much for having me. Um, I appreciate you with that intro and, um, just getting to chat with you because we have known each other from like the beginning of when I started my business and you were such a key, like mentor for me to get my business going. And so I'm really grateful to be here.
Yes. I remember those early chats and just watching you grow and flourish. Surabhi has just been so awesome to see. Likewise to you. Thank you. So let's just start out by, you know, keeping it pretty casual. And just could you tell our less our listeners just a little bit more about you? What got you into feel the field of physio and then pelvic health?
Absolutely. So I got into physiotherapy because I actually want to treat Neural clients so people with spinal cord injuries brain injuries I did a field trip in high school to a rehab hospital and I saw how Physiotherapists supported people with spinal cord injury and I was fascinating. I did my undergrad in kinesiology.
I did my master's in Uh, at U of T University of Toronto in physiotherapy, but then as soon as my orthopedics unit hit, I was like, okay, this is where I want to be. I was, um, because I was an athlete myself, I used to cross country ski, um, ran track and I've done a bit of everything like swimming, rock climbing, um, Now dance.
And so I've always been fascinated by movement and injuries and I and being hypermobile. I also had my fair share of injuries. Um, so I got into orthopedics worked as an orthopedic physiotherapist, I trained to be an F camp, which is, you know, manual manipulative physical therapist, cracking necks, backs, all that stuff.
And then I realized like, this is really not what people need because I still had these women, especially mothers coming into my clinic with back pain, neck pain, knee injuries, not getting better, not able to do their exercises, canceling appointments because they had children sick at home or this or that.
And it seemed like they were always Prioritizing everybody else but themselves and not to their fault. This is just the way the society is set up. And then I became a mom myself and I realized, Oh, like this is why those moms struggled. It wasn't that they weren't trying hard enough or that they didn't want to get better.
They just had all these other things enter their lives and they weren't able to prioritize themselves. So that's really, you know, I've always been passionate about helping support women and mothers. And then pelvic health came into play through my own experience. I had pelvic organ prolapse after my first child.
I had incontinence, a massive diastasis. And I just felt like I went from being, um, athletic and, you know, confident in my movement to like, that was just snatched away from me. And suddenly I was this sedentary mom who just, you know, started knitting. Nothing against knitting, but like I literally picked up knitting because I was like, Oh, this is, I guess what I'm going to do in my spare time.
And everything, I remember my husband and I having a talk like in the first few months and he's, and I was like, I don't feel like myself. Um, I was feeling anxious, you know, depressed. And he's like, what would make you Like what would help you feel like yourself, like what brings you joy or like, what do you want to do?
Um, and I was like, I can't do the things that bring me joy. Like I can't go rock climbing right now. I can't go for a run because all of those things brought me symptoms. And so it was between my first and second child that I started learning more about pelvic health, physiotherapy and pelvic coaching, pelvic fitness, because I realized that I did see a pelvic physiotherapist, but I didn't see the results that I wanted because I was treated.
Just like. Um, you know, standard postpartum mom, you need to do Kegels for six months and then bridges and like, that should be good enough. Right. And you know, there wasn't a consideration of my unique goals as somebody who was an endurance athlete, my unique goals, uh, of getting back to those things. I feel like that's what really drove me to enter this field of combining the pelvic health with the orthopedic health, um, and the coaching part to help people just.
feel like themselves again and get back to the sports or dance or activities. Whether it's hiking with their kids or something simple like sitting at a desk all day with less pain. Um, I want people to get back to those things, um, without like sacrificing the rest of their lives in, you know, motherhood.
Yes, I love that. And you and I resonate so much on that level that yeah, I think, you know, pelvic physio has done such amazing things for women, but like anything new and growing, it's going to have its, you know, downsides that I think a lot of what's missing is that, that little, you know, in between time of yes, you know, getting people acutely feeling better.
But then leaving them high and dry for just feeling good for the rest of their lives, right? Like, I think. That's where you and I kind of try to insert ourselves. We fill that gap, right? It's a huge gap that's missing. And like, I attended a dance workshop yesterday, about 60 people, and there was just me and one other person who was a mom that I know of, mind you, but I'm like, why aren't there more?
Like, For I know so many people who grew up dancing, playing sports, where are all of them in these workshops or intramurals or, you know, open time at the gym, like they're just not there. And there are many social barriers, 100 percent cultural barriers. But it's also like, if you don't feel confident in your body, again, you're not going to want to go do those things.
And that actually ties very well into, you know, what we're going to talk about today, which is. I'll let you announce it. Yeah. So yeah, you and I could talk forever on, you know, fitness and all of these things. However, I would love today to focus our chat on pursuing pleasure and yeah, just basically, um, igniting that pleasure in ourselves again as women, because yeah, as we get into it, we'll talk about like, do we actually lose it or is there reasons why it seems like we lose it?
Exactly. I, it's been such a cool thing to watch you explore this new niche, Surabhi, and just take it on, full steam ahead. So, what drove that for you? What, you know, inspired you to start focusing on pleasure? Um, for me, I actually had a conversation with a friend and we were talking about who's also a pelvic PT, um, Dr.
Janelle Howell, who is the vagina rehab doctor, and we were, she talks all about, you know, vaginismus, sexual health, uh, sexual dysfunction, and I, she was just, We were talking and she was like, you know, there's not that many brown women who talk about this. And I know there's a lot of brown women who struggle with sexual dysfunction and pain.
And so I was like, that is very true. And oftentimes, It's such a sexual health is so deeply connected to not just our bodies, but how we were raised, um, our religion, sometimes our culture, our environment. So sometimes hearing the same message from someone who either looks like you has a similar background to you or similar experience to you is more validating.
You do feel like, Oh, she's speaking to me too, right? So I started speaking about that. That was number one reason number two was like I was looking for more pleasure in my own life because I was, you know, had two kids pandemic and like I think we were all to some extent burnt out plus then we started I started my own business, and I had not prioritized my both sexual pleasure or just overall pleasure.
And so I'm like, 2023. This was last year. It's going to be the year of pleasure. And so I was seeking more pleasure in all areas of my life and really putting it at the forefront because so often pleasure is like the last thing on our mind, right? We're going to do chores, um, cook dinner, kids, activities, kids, um, performance recital.
And then it's like, um, it's time with your spouse. If you have a partner. Then it's like pleasure, right? So, and then where are you in all that? So I was, that's what I was finding, even though I was very aware of like self care needs and stuff. So, um, last year became the year of pleasure and I wanted to do a pleasure workshop, reclaim your pleasure to help people and mothers reclaim our pleasure.
Cause sometimes it feels like it's lost. It feels like it's like six feet underground. You have no idea where it is. And you're just like, I guess this is it for the rest of my life. I guess it was just, you know, like. I'm horny and wet in my teenage years or my 20s and this, you know, just tapers down, right?
And we almost hear jokes about it in media. Like if we, if we do hear anything about women's sexual health, it's from a perspective of getting dry or like, you know, not having a libido. And it's the husband usually who wants it all the time in heterosexual couples anyway. So then we internalize that and we're like, Oh, I guess that's just, I'm just normal.
Like all these other women. But that's not actually true, right? It isn't true. And I think these conversations just need to be had more often and I think, you know, especially, um, for you coming from your background, your culture, I'd be curious to hear how that has been for you and just your experience with pleasure, you know, growing up and what you were taught.
And how that's been to explore into that and sort of like how people in your life have reacted to you being more open about it, which again, I think it should be, you know, not to, it shouldn't be taboo. No, it shouldn't be. And so this actually, this is like a little mini history lesson. So I'm Indian and I was born and raised in India, which is different than people who are Indian, but born and raised in Canada or the U S because there is a different culture that you grow up with.
But in India, like, Back when I grew up in the 80s, 90s, there wasn't any sex in this movies. There wasn't even kissing, like just as a couple is going to kiss a lot of romance movies, but then they would turn off screen. So you start to learn, even without someone telling you, you start to learn that kissing is taboo.
You start to learn that even holding hands sometimes is taboo. I never saw my parents hug or kiss. Physical affection wasn't a big thing, even for us as kids. That was just the culture, but now let's backtrack to the British rule in India, colonization, and a lot of that prude or like strict, you know, I guess, ways of being came from British rule, because when you look at history prior to that, Kama Sutra, which is like the sex novel book everybody knows about from media, but it wasn't just the Kama Sutra, but sexual knowledge was included in the education system in like 1700s, 1600s, even early 1800s.
Then when the British came, it, everything was like, Oh, that's dirty. You're dirty. If you practice yoga, you're dirty. If you, um, meditate, you're dirty. If you talk about sex, cover yourself. So the clothing even became more. Um, what's the word I'm looking for? Prim and proper, right? Like more respectful or more, um, British, right?
So it's that element of now and now Indians themselves because of the long history of colonization and the impact of the school system and the education system. Now Indians have absorbed that. And how many Indians actually know their own history? Not many. And so now we, even parents, have internalized that as our own culture.
So now Indian culture has become super prudish, and there is a lot of taboo around it. And that's a problem because India has one of the highest rates of vaginismus, which is, Um, a fear of penetration that actually causes the vagina to close, to not allow any penetration, whether it's a penis, a toy, a finger, even, even a Q tip, right?
So if these issues are so common in cultures, and religion also ties into this, right? Because people in more religious families, they have more sexual shame. Um, it's just not even a topic that's ever talked about. And then those people are more likely to have sexual pain, dysfunction, um, and disorders. So for me, that was my kind of background.
I actually didn't really uncover all this until I got married and had kids. Because when you're younger, and I was thin, I was relatively fit, I was socially accepted as, you know, somebody who could be considered attractive. Right. And so I never really felt judged for my body in the same way that maybe I would.
After having kids, and this is speaking from a space of very, you know, thin privilege for people who are in larger bodies, people who are on black bodies, disabled bodies, they're feeling that pressure, even before they have kids. So they might have to face those truths earlier on. For me, I had to face that truth.
After I had kids, because I was like, why don't I see myself as sexy anymore? I don't want to put on lingerie. I don't even think of myself as deserving of sex. Like that's the point I had gotten to. And so often women feel that, you know, their bellies are loose. They have stretch marks, they have boobs that are leaking.
And so for some women, they find that really sexual, but for others, especially if you grew up in a home or culture where. That was never talked about in the first place. What you're learning is what you're absorbing is from pop culture and pop culture. We see thin, mostly white, young bodies portrayed as sexy.
And so the further away from those norms you get, the less likely you're going to feel sexy unless you're doing your own inner work to combat that. Right. So that's where I started to really like through therapy and through even just like books and having open conversations. I started to unpack that and I'm like, Why do I not feel this way anymore?
Cause it wasn't my husband making me feel that way. This was internal. And it took me a long time to even have that conversation with my husband and he was shocked. Let me tell you, he was like, what? And I was like, I was bawling. I was blubbering with tears when I was talking about it. Cause it was so emotional to me.
I, and I hadn't even realized that. Right. And so I think those are the, I guess. My background to now, but the beauty is a lot of my Indian friends now through who I met through dance, the younger ones, they were in there, I call them kids, but they're like in their 20s. They love my content. And they're learning so much because they also grew up in similar households.
And just because we have access to the internet, and porn, and all of the other things that are online doesn't mean that is going to help you learn, right? Sometimes it actually does more harm than good. Yeah, well, because then it feels more that you have to do those things behind closed doors. You can't tell anyone if it's not talked about openly, right?
And the bodies that you see, right? Google sexy body, sexy woman. You're never going to see someone who looks like, you know, like there's not, it's not a normal representation. Representation of all bodies. It's always the same look. And so you start to internalize, I guess that's what people find sexy, right?
And so for me, it was like unpacking all that, um, which I'm still working on unpacking. It's not like it's fully unpacked. Like I always, you know, I love the analogy of a suitcase and it's full to the brim. And then you like, take out some stuff. You can like, You think it's good and then you got to take out more stuff and more things are uncovered.
So we're still removing all the layers and peeling back and seeing like, okay, now where, where am I in my, uh, pleasure journey, I guess. Yeah. I love that analogy too. And then taking stuff out, but then also putting new stuff in, right. So you have to make room for new stuff too. Right. Yeah. And the new stuff that you put in can hide some of the other stuff, but until you're like fully uncovered all that, I think you can't be fully sexually liberated.
Totally. Um, I'm curious have you had chats with your mom about this or what is, what is her take? It's funny because my mom is like my biggest fan with my content and stuff and like she, I know she's reading everything but we never really, we have talked about it and in the sense of, so I was sexually abused when I was 19 and so that is something that I never openly talked about.
My family didn't know and that's something I told my parents actually in the past few years and they were in shock, right? And, you know, so often I think we think we don't talk to our kids about sex so they'll, they don't get in trouble, right? But I was 19, I wasn't young and it was something out of my control.
And I wasn't dressed like a SLUT, you know, there was no there was no reason that should have happened except for the fact that I was abused. Right. So that was a conversation. My mom was like, so heartbroken when she found out and she felt guilty. And it wasn't my parents fault by any means. However, I do think that educating your kids about what about their bodies, helping them feel more confident to say no, right?
People who grew up in really strict households where discipline was like, you know, really strong discipline, yelling, hitting, abuse, all that stuff. They might have trouble saying no, or they might get themselves into environments that are unsafe. And so we never blame the victim at all. But I do want Parents to educate themselves so that they can also educate their kids on, um, sexual health and what's normal sexual well being and what's normal pleasure so that especially as girls, they don't grow up the next generation of girls always prioritizing penis and vagina sex because that's what they think is normal or always prioritizing male pleasure because that's what we always see.
Yeah. Thank you for sharing that, Surabhi, and I'm sorry that was your experience. And, but I think even in that scenario, you know, had you had maybe more open and honest conversations, you would have felt comfortable telling your parents sooner, right? Exactly. And not having to deal with that shame. For like, I'm really thinking about it.
Almost 20 years I carried that shame. And so it's like, and I didn't realize how much I needed to unpack that because I was like, I'm fine. I got over it. It's okay. But I wasn't. And so it wasn't until I started. like the suitcase, it was buried deep. And so until I uncovered other layers and then other layers.
And so I really look at like pregnancy, postpartum, and having kids obviously as a beautiful gift, because you it's your kids and you're, you know, what you want. But it's also a beautiful gift in the sense that it really forced me to look at things honestly, and uncover a lot of those insecurities and that shame that I was just, you know, Pushing to the side so that we often think we push it away.
We can't see it. So it's not there. That's not true. It's there. And in some way. Or the other it's impacting your health or wellbeing or both. And so it was impacting my sexual wellbeing for sure. And my pleasure, like I was like, I have low libido. I can't orgasm or as well, or it's not as good as it was before.
It takes way longer. There was all of these things that I had to work on. And so when we approach things from a purely physical perspective, what will you meet? Be given maybe some key goals, maybe some exercises, you know, strength or mobility, but that's why that whole person approach for me is so important is like, what are some other layers going on?
Do you need to see a therapist or a sex therapist or a counselor or, um, include, you know, your family in some of these discussions so that you can unpack some of that shame and let it go. Right. Um, and like, I don't know what the quote is about shame, but the more you talk about it. You know, more things come to light, the less, um, shame exists, right?
So I always look at it like your shadows grow more when there's less light on it. If you have direct sunlight, you barely have a shadow. So it's the same thing. You shine the light on the things that you feel ashamed about or that you, um, are struggling with. And sometimes those shadows decrease, you start to realize, oh, that burden isn't mine to carry.
It's, it's gone. It's less, it's lessened. For sure. Yeah. And just being open to share those things with your partner, right? You just, yeah, I think pleasure is not just physical, right? It's the emotional connection we have with our partner too. So having those deep conversations is what's going to help you experience more pleasure in the bedroom too, right?
Yes. Exactly. And there are some people who can have it purely physical, they have a terrible emotional relationship, but they're having great sex. And that's, that's fair. But I would say that's not the average couple. And the average couple, it's not like that the male always wants it and the female doesn't, because that's not true either.
Often it's females who really want it, want it. they're not getting good sex. So they want sex, but they're not, it's not, it's not fun for them. So you're like, I'm not going to bother. Right. Or they might give themselves pleasure or, which is also great. I also recommend that because the more pleasure you have, the more easy it is to achieve pleasure.
So it's like the more fit you are, the easier it is to go try out a new workout class. Right? So the more pleasure you have, the more, the easier it is to have more orgasms, even with a partner or, or by herself. So. I definitely find that if sex isn't good, you're not going to want it and that's going to impact libido.
And so there's this myth that like women have low libido. And I'm like, I think a lot of women are just having bad sex. Cause when you look at same sex couples, same thing doesn't exist because, um, especially, you know, in female, female relationships, women know each other's bodies. Yeah. They know what feels good.
They're not just giving two minutes of foreplay and then penetration right away. Like that's, those are things that I wish were common knowledge, but they aren't. And that's why, you know, we need to talk about it. 100%. I actually would just think random, like analogy that popped into my head the one day I was driving home that, so we're not, you know, we are taught that like the penis is the center of pleasure for men.
We're not openly taught that the clitoris is the center of pleasure for women, right? Penetration sex should be pleasurable for men and women. That's what we see in the movies, like, the woman's like, and like, two minutes later, she's orgasming, like, seriously? Exactly. And that's why people feel shame, and when you tell them that's not true, there's like, I think, Only 19 percent of people, women can actually orgasm through penetration alone.
Yeah. The other 80 plus percent need manual oral stimulation or penetration with manual or oral or digital or toy stimulation, something else because the clitoris is the center of pleasure and the penis isn't even the center of the pleasure. It's also, you know, it has multiple functions. The clitoris, the main function is pleasure.
Right. Right. Right. And it also relates to fertility because when you experience more pleasurable sex, it also helps with fertility, right? You have better lubrication, you have better muscular, um, pelvic floor contractions, which can help that sperm travel upward. So people don't realize that pleasure is not just about sex.
Obviously, it's just for the pleasure part too, but it can also impact fertility, mental health, your relationship, your mood, and your life expectancy because when you have more pleasure, you also improve your heart health. And so that also can help with life expectancy and just quality of life as we age.
So you know, another reason to prioritize that pleasure, um, again, whether it's solo or with your partner. Yes, yeah, the analogy I had in my head though as I was driving was expecting a woman to orgasm without clitoral stimulation is like expecting your car to go without stepping on the gas. Oh my gosh, exactly.
You're like pressing the brake and you're thinking, why is it not going anywhere? Right? Oh my God. That's a beautiful analogy. Yeah. That's true. I wish more women knew that. Like I think I, I'm so thankful I have, you know, a group of friends and we're really all open with each other. So amazing. Yeah. We've had really good talks about this and I remember my friend, I was probably like early 20s.
She bought a vibrator for me. She's like, Rhonda, this will change your life. And I'm like. What? And yeah, things like that. Again, it should be common knowledge. It should be talked about. It should not be taboo. And yeah, again, I think these conversations, I'm so glad are starting to happen more. So yeah, you've talked about libido a few times.
So let's get into that a little bit. If you know, a client comes to you says, you know, I struggle with low libido. What are, if someone's listening and they're like, yes, that's me. Or I think I have low libido. My husband or my partner has stronger libido than I do. We don't match. What are some strategies?
What are some things you talk about to, again, maybe it's not a low libido issue. What are some things you talk through with them? So usually if someone's coming in with low libido, it's usually they don't come in with low libido. They come in with, because people have low libido for a long time. It's usually when their husband is now like threatening to leave or they're afraid their husband's going to, you know, leave them because they're just never want to have sex.
It's usually that. Right? And we live in a patriarchal society where the man, like the man threatening to leave is more important than your own pleasure. People rarely come in because they're like, I want to experience more pleasure. And that's, that's step number one. And so if you're listening to this and you're like, I have low libido and you're like, eh, I have low libido.
Do this for yourself. Get help for yourself, not for your partner, not to have more sex with them, but for yourself for all of the benefits that we just talked about. And so. Number two is when you have a libido, we do a full screening questionnaire, not like I'm just asking you questions from a questionnaire, but I want to know about your life, your stress levels.
Do you have capacity in your day to experience pleasure? We all do. And then first step is recognize the pleasure that already exists in your day. It could be that hot cup of coffee. It could be putting on a cozy sweater. It could be Um, lighting a candle, like it could involve your senses, what already, already brings you pleasure.
Start to notice those things and then expand on them because sometimes we're so focused on all the things that are not going right in our day and then our focus on that expands. Let's start focusing on what is going right in your relationship, in your day. in the bedroom. What is going right? What is, what feels good?
Expand on that. Well, I really like it. My, when my husband reps went back, okay, ask him for a 20 minute back rub, rather than saying, I hate when he runs me back, he feels good for two minutes and then he just goes right to this. Okay. But then let's talk about it. And so we're also afraid of like hurting our partner's feelings.
But I have also heard from people who are like, my partner was really hurt that I didn't tell them this for so long. Yeah. Right. Because they don't. Assuming you're in a good, healthy relationship, they want you to feel pleasure. It's not that they want you to fake it. And even if you've faked it for 20 years, you can still have good sex.
You can still learn on, you know, communicating your needs by asking for what does feel good. And if you don't know what feels good, start with the exploration. And I usually say explore clitoris is, you know, our primary pleasure sense, but we have pleasure. areas, all of our body, our neck, you know, our ears.
People have different kinks and different things that set them off. And sometimes you can orgasm even without touch if, you know, it's erotic. Um, you know, for obviously people watching porn, but like, it could even be, Dirty talk. Like, there could be so many ways that can, um, improve somebody's arousal, right?
The other thing the, um, research shows is that couples that talk about sex more, there's a, it doesn't even have to be just about like dirty sex. It can just be about sexual needs. People who talk and communicate openly have better sex, which makes total sense. And so even just, and it also increases libido.
Right. So if you're talking to even your friends, like you said, you had some friends that you talked to. I had like one friend, one roommate, we used to talk about it openly. But what I notice is once you're out of your twenties, or you get married, you have kids, you start to lose the amount of friends you have sometimes that you see regularly.
And then the conversation changes to kids, kids, family, family. And sometimes there's, you almost feel like it's, awkward to tell your friend about this because you don't want them judging your husband or something. It's not about that, right? It's just having these conversations also improves your libido.
You can learn from your friend, Hey, my husband took me to this thing that really helped me. Oh, okay. Right. So it's, Less from a judgy perspective and more from a get some ideas. Let's explore what can increase your libido. Definitely. I recommend seeing their doctor or their, um, naturopathic doctor or dietitian for nutrition support because many people are not eating enough.
They're not getting enough fats to help hormones. If they have hormonal, um, just. Her low progesterone, low estrogen. Uh, if you're breastfeeding postpartum, your estrogen is lower. So your libido is going to be lower. That's a normal change postpartum. It doesn't mean that. Um, until you're done breastfeeding or libido is going to be low.
It just means that you're, you may need more oomph, more boost before that, um, car starts running, right? Going back to that gas analogy. You may need to just, it may not be as sensitive a gas pedal, so you may need to push a little harder. Uh, and that doesn't mean rub the clitters harder. It means you may need more of that warmup.
You know, maybe you do need a date night every Thursday night. And actually have time where you like put on regular clothes and not your, you know, mommy outfit that you usually have on, not for your partner, but for yourself. Right. Cause sometimes it's, it's, we always assume everything's done for your partner, but sometimes you just want lingerie for yourself because it feels nice.
And so, yeah. Those are some strategies that you can use to help build libido. And then the biggest thing is movement. Are you exercising? Because if you're not, how are simple ways we can build in movement, both cardiovascular and strength so that you have better blood supply to your clitoris, blood flow through your organs.
You know, every single person, even my kids know the term erectile dysfunction. Because we hear it on the ads every day on the radio. Half of men over 40 have erectile dysfunction. Now, if you consider that, probably half of women over 40 also have clitoral dysfunction because of our heart health and our, like, as we get older, we have more atherosclerosis.
And the, uh, the arteries that go into our pelvic organs are smaller than the ones that go into our heart. So if you have any blockages that go into your clitoris, That can also impact things. So this is kind of going back to that holistic nutrition and exercise component. Um, because when you're exercising more, your libido is going to be higher usually.
Um, yeah. Exercise like swimming, walking, even lifting weights. You get that little endorphin rush. You feel more confident too, when you're moving people who exercise. And it's not about your, how your body looks at all. It's just about how it feels after you exercise, you get that little light, nice high. Um, so working out with your partner, you both sweating together, releasing those pheromones.
That can be a nice way to bond and also boost your libido. I often get people doing like a sexy time, like five minute, 10 minute stretch routine before bed, um, with their partner. And it's just. emotional connection is also being built then, right? It's not just the physical part, but I felt emotionally disconnected to my husband and he's fantastic.
Like, but you just don't spend that much quality time together because you're always doing something for your family or chores or kids and until you're in that life stage, I think it's really hard to understand why that happens. But anyone who's listening to this, who is a parent will probably be like, yep, been there for sure.
Yeah, and I think I find for myself, I don't know if you find this, you know, prioritizing exercise for me is just that proof that I, I deserve that I, you know, I'm worthy of prioritizing my physical health. So I think that then carries over into like, I also deserve to priority prioritize my pleasure and my sexual health.
Yeah. So it's like. Exactly. That gives you a bridge for people. So like. Yes. If you learn to set a boundary, like no, right now is my workout time. It's my protected time. I don't care if you're whining at me, kids, you're going to hang out. You can watch me work out or you can play beside me, but yes, exactly.
It's your protected time. Because I think that, that's part of it, right? I think. You know, men culturally were raised to prioritize their needs. And a lot of women, you know, socialized women have not been right. So I think that's the biggest first hurdle for people to write is like, I deserve to prioritize my needs.
Which that's like a human need, right? But like, sometimes we need to be coached. Listen, for me, it's not movement. I've always, you know, been okay prioritizing my movement. For me, it's the food. I used to skip breakfast because I don't have time for breakfast. And then I'm like, I would never let my kids leave the house without breakfast.
You know, like, I would never not let my kids eat a meal. we always make a break in the day for them to eat, even if we're out all day. But I'm not giving myself that. And it's so basic, but it's like, and it's not even from a point for me, I don't have like that, oh, I need to lose weight, or I need to not eat for that.
For me, it's just I am too busy. And then when you actually unpack that, further, it goes back to what you're talking about with that deserving of food, nutrition, nourishment. And then that's definitely going to tie to pleasure because if you're sacrificing your basic needs of eating for the day, of course you're probably sacrificing it all in the bedroom just for the sake of your partner, right?
So it's, it's all interconnected. And once, once you start to improve one area of your life, it all You know, bleeds into the next thing, right? So, okay. Movement is good. And last year was my year of pleasure. This year is actually your discipline, not in a negative way, but eating is a big part of my, my goal for this year is like making myself a breakfast that I feel pleasure eating that I actually enjoy.
And not, I'm not like, Oh, a sludgy bowl of oats again, like for me, that's not, doesn't do it. And so I'm like, why don't I make it? Things that I actually enjoy because guess what? I've skipped breakfast for decades, but now that I'm starting to make breakfast that I actually enjoy. I want to eat breakfast.
And that same thing goes with sex. If you have good sex that you actually enjoy, you're going to crave it more. You're going to want it more. And so that is a couple's responsibility if you're having a partnered sex. And that's the other big thing is couples or people who involve their partner in the physiotherapy or in the, in the sex work, we'll have better.
response because you're, you then feel supported, right? If you're having low libido, if you're having trouble orgasming and your partner tends to appointment with you, you learn those strategies together. You learn about the importance of foreplay and how to approach foreplay together. And then that way you don't have to then go home and teach your husband or partner.
This is what my physio said. And it's kind of awkward and embarrassing. Let me do the embarrassing awkward work. So you can just then. You know, reap the benefits for yourself. Yeah, and you know, going along the foreplay theme, I think that is part of it too is just, you know, you've sort of redefined pleasure, like pleasure doesn't have to just be sexual pleasure.
Pleasure can be food and exercise and, you know, things that just help you feel good in your day. I think we need to redefine sex too, right? I think, you know, again, in our society, sex is deemed penetration, but sex is so multivaried, right? So I think, yeah, foreplay is part of that and foreplay can include conversations, right?
And having those talks with your partner that get you in the mood and get you. Exactly. Or like texting in the morning, like I'm excited for tonight. So this is what we used to do pre kids, like, Oh, date night. Like, I'm so excited. And now it's like, where are those texts? Where are those, you know, the way we communicate.
So of course, then when it's time to, and usually people do it in the evenings at bedtime and everyone's exhausted. So I often say. Try in the mornings, like on the weekend, and if your kids wake up early, like mine, that's really hard to do. So it's for people who maybe their kids sleep in or, or whatnot, because sometimes our libido is higher.
Once we've rested, once we're just like men get erections, we get little mini clitoral erections too. So when we're already relaxed, lubrication is easier, you get wet easier, of course, use lube, but don't just I find people jump to lube without giving their bodies enough time to actually warm up. And Right.
Penetration. Right. And right to penetration. Yeah. And so for people who define sex as penetration, then they might be having bad sex. But if you define sex as oral, um, as touching each other, uh, kissing, making out as anything you want to define it as, you could have the best sex without even any penetration, right?
Sure. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, I think again, just, you know, people listening that that the goal is not always penetration. And the goal doesn't always have to be orgasm either. Right? I think that, you know, of course, And, you know, if you want an orgasm, go figure out how to have an orgasm for yourself, because it, yeah, it's, uh, Yeah, sometimes you need one, and sometimes, I mean, they feel great, but you're right, it's like we, there's no end goal with sex.
No. There's no finish line. The point is, it's a partnership. If you're with a partner or partners, if you're with yourself, it's time, it's quality time spent with yourself exploring a sexual pleasure need. If you have done that, then that's, then redefine that as a successful, sexy encounter. If you always say, I didn't orgasm, I guess that sucked.
But you're like, wait, I kind of really enjoyed that oral, but I didn't orgasm. So you can just say, I really enjoyed that oral. That felt good. I connected with my partner. I enhanced my sexual pleasure, right? Sometimes if you're under stress, especially that is a libido killer, that is a pleasure killer. And so sometimes maybe you can't orgasm all the way, just that added bits of pleasure makes you feel loved, connected, and you can sleep better at night.
So you didn't fail, right? Yes. No, it's not all or nothing. Just like exercise, right? It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Yeah. There's so many parallels, right? It's, Oh, for sure. Yeah. And that's what I love is like, once you as a pelvic physio, right? Like I understand that my scope of practice is more, okay, talk about your pelvic health, pelvic floor, your glutes, your whole core system, your body moving well, feeling well.
Um, but it's also the strategy part. Are you incorporating those things for your, For play, are you incorporating stretches at the right time? Are you drinking enough water? Because your vagina, you know, or your vulva needs to create some lubrication. It's not going to create something out of nothing. So many people are drinking three cups of coffee, one cup of water, two cups of water a day.
That's probably why you're dry and why your muscles feel tight and uncomfortable during penetration or during anything. And so muscles that are plump and juicy, think of like a grape versus a raisin, right? You dehydrate that grape, it becomes tough and wrinkly and doesn't taste as good in my opinion.
But when you're well hydrated, it's like plump and juicy and better, right? So drink that water, that's, these are simple things that we can be doing that we don't realize makes such an impact. Right. Yeah. And yeah, I feel like you, you touched on vaginismus, but I think, you know, as a pelvic floor focused physios, um, let's just touch on just pain with sex.
Cause I'm sure that is a huge deterrent for folks that, you know, just have that painful response that for sure, they're not going to want to seek out pleasure. So what would be your recommendation if someone, you know, every time they have penetrative sex, there's pain, what would be their first step? In the short term, avoid penetration and focus on penetration free sex.
So oral, manual, toys, anal, like there can be so many different types of pleasure. Um, and it can be even outside of the pelvis, like we've talked about. Then you teach your brain that pleasure is not bad. Right? At least then you get a better relationship with pleasure and then at the same time seek pelvic physiotherapy because we work on experience.
Lowering pain free stimuli, penetration, and help you break down scar tissue if you have scar tissue, help you stretch, help you release, help you, um, control, have better control. And sometimes people have trigger points deep in their pelvic floor and they just keep massaging with the wand and they're just massaging every time thinking, why is it coming back?
A lot of them need strength because if you have better strength in your glutes, your adductors, your bigger global muscles around the hips. Your pelvic floor can chill out right now your pelvic floor is doing the work of like 10 people 10 muscles And so when your pelvic floor is so overloaded all the time and you're holding your breath Sucking your belly in all day because you're stressed all that added pressure goes down on into the pelvic floor So as we learn to breathe as we learn to strengthen everything around it suddenly people are like, oh this actually doesn't hurt as much right and Regardless of how much pain you have, whether it's vulvodynia, pain around the vulva, just so external, whether you have pain around the vestibule, so that's just the opening, or vaginismus, where you have pain internally, or vaginismus is also that reflexive kind of contraction of the vaginal muscles.
And unfortunately, many doctors will be like, just use dilators. Now, the problem isn't that your vagina cannot open, it's that it does not open. So that is a fear pain avoidance. Based response. And that can be, it's more common like we talked about culturally religious influences and people who've experienced childhood or adult sexual or physical abuse.
It's just your body trying to protect you. It's not doing anything wrong. I actually think biogenesis is a very normal response. You know, for certain situations, I had a patient with an abusive ex husband. She has vaginismus. I'm like, that's normal. And when she heard that, she's like, Oh, I didn't think about it that way.
Like, if you put your hand on a hot stove, It's going to get burned. And then when you near the hot stove again, your hand's going to snap back. Right. It's going to be like, no, don't do that again. Same thing with your vagina. So it's not uncommon. And some people are surprised. They're like, I have a great spouse though.
Like, I don't know why I have this. Sometimes you just don't know. It could be things you experienced in your childhood. It could be intergenerational things that live in your genes, in your body could be so many things. Stress is a big one, right? So we, um, So don't lose hope in your, in your vagina and your sexual health.
Yes. Always changes to be made. Yes, for sure. So yeah, we've had such a great thorough conversation and you know, again, for folks listening, if they're tuning in and they're like, how do I kickstart or supercharge my pleasure? What are some tips that you would sort of summarize from our talk today? So basic things is talk about sex more.
Um, if it's not your husband, your spouse, talk about it with a friend, someone else, a therapist, a physiotherapist. So talk about it. Um, I actually have a five, um, letter acronym that helps you boost your pleasure, your libido, and your sex, sex life. And it's SEMEN. I know. I had to pick a male name. Female.
Love it. Give it to us. S stands for sleep. People who have even one more extra hour of sleep at night. booster libido. If you're not sleeping minimum seven hours every night, your libido is probably going to be low. Um, or you're going to be the opposite. You're going to be seeking a lot of sex to kind of help with your exhaustion, which is we see all the time too.
Um, so sleep. E is express your needs. So this goes back to what we just talked about is that open communication. Start by expressing your needs outside the bedroom. If it's really awkward for you to express your needs in the bedroom, you can say, you know, I really like it when We snuggle on the couch, or I really like it when, um, you buy flowers, like, or, you know, something simple.
Right. I really, I love when you tell me how good I look when I'm wearing this outfit. Uh, and it sounds silly, but sometimes people have to be told because they are not mind readers and this goes both ways. Right. So it's not just like the men can't understand. Sometimes women, like I'm sometimes like, Ooh, I didn't know I wasn't doing that.
You just need to be told sometimes. So sleep, express your needs. M is mindfulness. So. practicing mindfulness presence in your day. If you can't be present, cause you're always thinking about your to do list, grocery list, your kids, whatnot, you're not going to be present during sex either. Your mind is going to go away.
And when your mind has left the body, it's very hard for your body to experience pleasure because pleasure is not just a clitoris thing. It's the clitoris and mind and everything, right? Everything connected. So we want your mind to be present. And the way you're going to practice mindfulness is start with one minute a day.
So, you wake up in the morning and start with mindful breathing. And so just, you know, your breath going in, you know, your breath coming out. And if your brain gets distracted, like it will, that's okay, just refocus and just give yourself one minute a day. Start there if you've never practiced it. And then you start to practice those same skills when you're eating, watch, you know, notice yourself chewing, put the phone and screens away, distractions away.
And it start with a minute. Sometimes we tell ourselves we have to practice 20 minutes of meditation, but that mindfulness meditation literally start with one minute, right? So S E M E is exercise. because we've talked about it extensively. Exercise is so important. And it doesn't mean like some people are like, but I have chronic pain.
I have disabilities. It doesn't mean you have to like go for a run. Exercise might mean something else to you, but it can still get your heart rate up, get yourself moving a little bit if you're able to. Uh, and then the last N is nature. So getting out in nature, getting outdoor time, being in, I'm living in the city.
Listen, this is like urban jungle, but there are still parks. There's still trees. Getting outside always makes me feel better. And I actually think it's crucial for us as human, as people of nature. We're animals as well. We need to be outside and not just in our little homes and our boxes watching TV. So it's really important, even 10 minutes outside in nature can help you reset and kind of feel more, um, in your body.
So semen. Semen. Love it. So good, Surabhi. And so, yeah, that's awesome. That's a great little wrap up. Is there sort of one overarching take home message that you want to leave our listeners with today? Yes. Um,
nothing is too broken to be fixed, right? Whether it is your sexual health, your relationship, if you want to fix that. Um, but mostly your relationship with yourself and your own body. Nothing is too broken to be fixed. Like I just shared. I didn't explore something in my life for 20, almost 20 years. And I've, we've just unpacked that and I'm way better off for it.
And I think that was a big key and opening myself up to more pleasure as well. So, um, no matter what your history is, your background, your culture, your story, your life, nothing is too broken to be fixed. Beautiful. I love it. Thank you so much, Surabhi. You're amazing. And if, you know, folks are listening and they're like, how do I work with this woman?
How can, how can people find you and how can they work with you? Um, so virtually in across Ontario for physiotherapy and, um, virtually globally for kind of that coaching approach. I work in Toronto as well in person. So, um, all of that you can find out at ww do the passionate physio.ca for Canada or Instagram is where I usually hang out at the passionate physio.
Um, send me a dm. So you heard Rhonda's podcast and you're like, I, I'm interested in support for this and we'll get something set up. Um, there's mostly. Mostly people just need virtual support for this unless they have like vaginismus even still though There's so much we can do virtually and often people are more comfortable in their own home environments than like in a clinic and having to like spread their legs on a table and sometimes people feel awkward with that, but We are experts in this and we will make you feel safe and comfortable regardless.
Um, internal exams are never mandatory. So that is the other thing. People assume they have to get their fingers up in their vagina if they see a pelvic physio. Not at all mandatory. It's always just an option. So find me online. Awesome. And I'll put all of that in the show notes. Thank you so much. It's such a pleasure having this chat with you today.
Yes. I love it. Thank you, Rhonda. I love this conversation. We could literally go on forever. And I love that. Um, I love that. You're also talking about this and I know you were at my workshop last year, so thank you for being there and supporting, um, we're just continuing on this pleasure revolution.
Honestly, and I think for me getting into pelvic health and that focus has really, yeah, opened my mind to again, nothing is taboo. Nothing is nothing is TMI, right? It's just, it's just bodies. We're living on this earth to enjoy it. Why shouldn't we be talking about these things? Exactly. Nobody would be like, Oh my god, I have a Like, we tell, I tell my friends, Oh, I got a cavity.
Like it's like no big deal, right? Or I need a root canal, like, okay. With our teeth, we're very comfortable, our mouth, we're very comfortable. But the other lips down there, if there's any issues, we're just like, Ooh, and that's because again, society, but we can unpack that. And the way that starts is one conversation at a time.
With whoever you feel comfortable with, right? And we can change that moving forward. I think, you know, I'm being so conscious about how I talk about these things with my kids, right? Same. And I think, yes, of course, there's age appropriate ways to talk about things. Yeah. But, like, it's okay to say penis and vagina, right?
Oh, they say it every day. And my, my son, yeah. Oh, is that, now they call things that look like vulvas? Yes. Oh, that looks like a vulva, like a leaf or something. Oh, that looks like a penis. Like it's just normal for them. It makes sense. And I'm like. Why not? Yeah, even my, my six year old daughter the other day, because I've been open about my period and just showing them the diva cup.
Like I just, and the other day just out of nowhere, my oldest daughter was like, Mommy, when will I start to bleed from my vagina? And like such an honest, beautiful question. I'm like, Good question, kiddo. Like, this is the average age and, you know, when, when you get there, we'll talk about and I just, I felt proud of myself in that, that moment that she just learned that from you.
Yeah, just a nonchalant like, when will that happen to me? And I was like, This is so cool. I love it is it is. And for me, I have a daughter and a son. I think sons also need to know this information. So he knows when I'm on my period, he helps me get my cup or my period underwear and he wants to look in the toilet.
And some people are that's gross, but I'm like, they're just curious kids. And let's normalize that they like looking at your pee and poo. It's period stuff. So it's just, um, for some people, the idea of sex is so shameful, but maybe periods is more approachable of a topic. So you could start that, you know, start there and have those types of conversations first.
And then kind of go more into that pleasure conversation, but I love it. Our kids, I'm so excited for them. I think I have so much hope for the future. I did, um, an event last year where I was in my community doing like a, I had a booth, pelvic physio booth, and I did a pelvic health Jeopardy game and. The kids who are the people who got most of the answers right were like teenagers.
They know so much more about their bodies than we did at that age. And they know more than the adults today. And some of the moms of those teens were kind of peeking over their shoulder like, Oh, okay. Like that's where your clitoris is like, you know, and no shame. And if you didn't know, cause I mean, nobody taught us, but it just gets me so excited for the kids of the future.
Cause they just have a better understanding of their bodies and their needs and their rights. 100%. Yeah, I'm excited for the future as well. Well, I'll really let you go now, sir. for having me too. Thanks for listening to today's podcast. We hope you enjoyed the conversation. If you liked what you heard, we would love if you could share this with a friend, leave us a review or subscribe to anywhere that you listen to your podcasts.
Thanks for being here.
